relationship-problems.co.uk

Communication is the key to any relationship. With bad communication, problems crop up at unexpected places. This is a classical case. I am feeling very hurt because of what you said. When did I say that? Two days back. But I never meant that. I do not know what you meant, but it has been hurting me since then. Oh, I am sorry. I genuinely never meant that. Why did you not ask me then and there? I was very hurt to ask. Oh, I am very sorry.

What you say can make a big difference to your relationship. How will the listener know what you mean? The listener only picks up your words and makes interpretation. Choosing right words while communicating is important. If you know about your partners sensitivities about a subject, you have to be very careful while talking even in jest. Your tone has to be perfect and you have to be careful while speaking. You never know when you will hurt your partners feelings. This communication care is very important if the relationship is already going bad and you wish to save it.

Freedom in communication can be taken if you are sure that your partner understands you well and will not take any talk otherwise. In that case, you both behave like close friends, who speak their mind without bothering. If the relationship has not reached that level you have to be careful while talking. Loose talk can spoil a relationship.

 

Need help from an expert? Meet the man who has been on Opera and has helped thousands in their relationships. Click here

Relationships – don’t you just love them? And how can hypnosis help?

I believe that everyone at some stage or other has relationship issues. If you where to think back over your past, (or maybe even currently), how relationships have gone sour at some time during the life of the relationship.

As you well know all relationships eventually come to an end. Whether it’s a business or intimate relationship, at some stage they will end, even if it’s due to circumstances such as a death.

Knowing this can have a dramatic effect because it may motivate individuals to make the most out of them. However what if you have problems with a relationship? How can the powerful tool of hypnosis help?

Working with many clients using hypnotherapy in High Wycombe and indeed all of the UK, I have found that hypnosis has dramatic effects helping with relationship breakdowns. This is because Hypnosis targets the unconscious where our emotions are harboured and fester. Hypnosis effectively reframes how a client maybe feeling about things – which enables dramatic change to occur.

Relationship breakdowns aren’t of course only for intimate ones, I recall some time ago I had a business partner and she couldn’t help but find fault in most of everything that I did. This may have been because it’s easier to find fault than to give praise I often tell clients to find something good in everybody, search enough and you will find it.

If your wondering what happened to my past business relationship well it spiralled out of control and to coin a phrase – ‘went paired shape’.

Perhaps this was due to my business partner aiming to control everything that she possibly could, ultimately this leads to communication problems and resentment. It is important to remember that a relationship has two (or more) people involved and what might be appropriate for you may not be for your partner. Take the time to build your relationships.

Its worth remembering that the following traits are traits that will help with your relationships –

• Be flexible
• Be a good listener
• Put yourself in the other person (s) shoes
• Find praise and give it
• Remember why you started the relationship
• Be honest
• Give your trust
• Love unconditionally

If you’re in a business relationship that is spiralling out of control, step back and ask yourself – what is important to you? And remember what goes around comes around.

If your emotions are getting the better of you, then make an appointment with a recognised hypnotherapist or use a hypnosis MP3 download such as
www.double–powered-hypnosis.com

Relations are never always plain sailing, and like a boat there are always ups and downs, but by taking time to invest in your relations you can always smooth the way for a better ride.

 

Need help from an expert? Meet the man who has been on Opera and has helped thousands in their relationships. Click here

Every relationship hits a snag, or worse, a major crisis (such as infidelity), that demands significant change if the relationship
is to survive.

So…there are promises to change and the two of you embark upon a new path. You watch carefully.

“Can I trust this change? Is it permanent? temporary? How long will it last? Is he/she REALLY changing?”

Good questions. Here are 16 ways to know if the change is going to last:

1. You notice opposite behaviors and nonverbal communication. Passivity becomes activity. Recklessness transforms into thoughtfulness. Aloofness turns into engagement.

2. You find yourself surprised. “Hmmmm, this hasn’t happened before, but is really nice! I wonder where this came from? But, I will take it!”

3. He/she expresses more curiosity about you, about him/her self and others. He/she observes more closely what happens in relationships, without criticism or defensiveness.

4. You feel that somehow there has been a shifting of gears. There is a different rhythm or flow in the relationship. Much less effort. Much less tension.

5. You find yourself noticing how differently he/she talks. The words seem different. The emotional tone of the words seem different.

6. The negative times, where you felt very stuck, helpless and hopeless, are less intense, happen less often and you seem to have more effective ways to move out of those times more quickly.

7. Your gut (intuition) tells you that this is ok. You begin to trust that part of you more implicitly. A part of you is clapping and cheering inside!

8. He/she seems to have more direction and purpose. Less drifting. He/she seems to be driven more by internal desires and wishes rather than reacting to people or external circumstances. He/she takes up interesting hobbies or finds more enthusiasm for career.

9. The changes seem to be more consistent and carry over for a longer period of time. More stability. Fewer swings. You seem more consistently on the right path.

10. More concern is expressed for family, children and close friends.

11. Words such as: “I promise. I’ll try. Or, I’m going to…” are NOT in his/her vocabulary.

12. Moments of effusive crying, tear letting and chest beating are gone. Apologies are past and there is a sense of working right here right now to create what we want down the line.

13. You hear no blaming of others. He/she does NOT make others responsible for his/her actions. You sense that he/she is intent upon responsibly creating his/her world.

14. There is good eye contact.

15. He/she is taking great steps toward self care both physically, emotionally and spiritually. He/she can state what he/she needs and negotiate with you to get those needs met. At the same time, your personal needs are considered.

16. You worry much less about what will happen next.

 

Need help from an expert? Meet the man who has been on Opera and has helped thousands in their relationships. Click here

Many of us are of the types who are happy being alone. If such persons enter into any relationship it will invariably fail. Such loners want to be left alone and want no responsibility of others nor want others to take any responsibility of their. Are you one of them? Have you thought about this? Let us find out more.

What are the main characteristics of such people? The first is total independence. They want total independence both at home and even at work. They may leave many jobs unless they find one where no one bothers them. They want to live at home on their own terms. They dislike being told by anyone about how things should be done. Their self-esteem does not permit this. They cannot develop healthy relationships because they never tell others about what should be done. They never bother about how others perform nor want to get tied up with one person. They feel very uncomfortable if they have to do that.

Their space is most important to them. They want their space with them and never to be invaded by anyone at any time. These kind of people wonder about how people live together. They believe that their own way is the right way and want no advice on that.

If such people get into a relationship by any chance, the relationship will go through very tough times. Before entering into any relationship, one should watch for this behavior. If any one displays such behavior, please talk to him/her in detail and only after assuring yourself, enter into the relationship.

Need help from an expert? Meet the man who has been on Opera and has helped thousands in their relationships. Click here

Have you noticed that some girls just can’t help self destructing their relationships? Even when they have a great guy who treats them well, they start committing relationship sins that are sure to lead them to a cold and lonely destination. One major relationship crime is smothering.

Listed below are some of the most commonly violated forms of smothering. If any of this sounds familiar, you need to make a change starting today.

1) Do you insist that you two spend every weekend together?
For your boyfriend to fully appreciate you…he needs time to miss you. Remember, too much of a good thing is still too much.

2) Do you give him alone time?
Everyone needs time to kick back and chill. Your boyfriend will go crazy if you’re in his life twenty-four-seven.

3) Do you insist that he brings you to every party or event he goes to? Everyone needs time away from the person that they’re dating. Especially, to go out and have fun with their friends.

4) When your boyfriend wants to go to a party or sports event alone with his friends…and you say OK…do you show up halfway through or at the end?
This is the ultimate sign that you’re smothering him. Not only will this drive him crazy and make you look psycho to his friends, but you’ll also be breaking a bond of trust. If you agree to something…keep your word.

5) Do you always come over uninvited or when you’re asked not to? Realize that your boyfriend might not appreciate your habit of “just showing up”. In your mind, you’re being thoughtful and sweet, but that’s probably not how he sees it.

6) Do you call him several times a night?
News flash, ladies!! Most guys don’t like talking on the phone to the same person more than once a day…this includes you.

Emotional and physical abuse is believed to be only for women. Men are the abusers and women the victims. Do not women abuse men? Yes they do get abused and mercilessly. A woman can be brutal when it comes to blames and accusations. She can invent many lies and kill the soul of the man with every sentence she speaks. She may not abuse the man physically, but her emotional abuse may be enough to drive a man to lunacy.

I do not know why the abuse is considered to be prerogative of men? Is it because they are considered the stronger sex? What about emotional strength? Some men are very soft and especially when they deal with a woman, they act more softly. The woman wants to abuse the man will have no such compunctions. She can raise her voice, she can use crying, she can corner the man with all her blames because she wants to hurt him. She succeeds because a good man will not retaliate.

There is no help for men who get emotionally abused by women. They do not want to hurt the woman so they keep taking all the abuse. Let me add something here. Women on who their men have greatest faith do most abuse. So when the woman turns a abuser, the first reaction of the man is total disbelief. This surprise continues for a long time, because the man continues foolishly believing that her woman is getting it wrong. She is not abusing him. She cannot do that because she loves him. This thinking process is very dangerous. Evil recognizes no sexual difference. If a man can be evil, so can be a woman.

Whether a relationship lives or dies largely depends on the individuals involved. What is seen to be an insurmountable relationship killer by one person will just be a minor challenge to another.

Take infidelity for example, some relationships survive and even thrive by acknowledging either one or even both partners will seek sexual fulfilment, in part, outside the marriage but as a whole fidelity is paramount for a healthy marriage.

I was listening to the radio the other day when a girl stated that whether her marriage went ahead or not depended on how accurately her fiancée could answer questions about her. I don’t know about you but if I had expected my partner to know all my likes and dislikes before we got married our relationship would have been dead in the water. As it is we wouldn’t have been without each other for the past 20 years.

Marriages have even broken up over one of the partners forgetting a birthday or an anniversary. I must confess that I don’t really want to be reminded of how quickly the years are passing me by and I’m equally prone to over looking special dates as my partner. What is more important to me is how we relate to each other throughout our lives and not just on one or two days of the year.

As you can see, what would totally destroy one marriage is perfectly acceptable in another it just depends on the characteristics of the individuals involved and, in some cases, the timing of events.

• One of the biggest relationship killers is most definitely infidelity. Many people struggle to understand and come to terms with such a betrayal but more importantly, struggle to regain the trust.

• Abuse is something which is tolerated far too often. No one should have to be subjected to any kind of physical, emotional or financial abuse. I only have one bit of advice to someone who is in an abusive relationship, get out, even if the abuse is only occasional. Even occasional abuse is unacceptable and it will only get worse. You can always return if and when they have sorted themselves out but no matter how much you have been promised that it will never happen again it always will unless you take a stand.

• Lack of ability to communicate is a real relationship killer. So many marriages have been thrown away through a lack of understanding and a total inability to communicate. Often all it would take would be for couples to learn how to listen to each other and many perfectly good marriages could be saved.

• Trust is so important in any relationship. If trust doesn’t exist it is very difficult to keep a relationship alive. Infidelity, gambling, drinking, drugs and financial spending are all strong and compelling reasons for not trusting your partner (among many others). A marriage can only usually be saved if the reason for the lack of trust is eliminated and both parties are prepared to forgive and forget. Unless you can let go of the past you cannot look to the future.

• Jealousy can often exist is cases when one partner is still friendly with someone they used to have a relationship with or when a new baby comes along and all ‘couple’ time is eliminated or step parents can be jealous of their partners relationship with their children. Obviously the source of the jealousy can’t always be eliminated, you can sometimes stop seeing previous partners but you can’t exactly throw the baby out the window or banish the step children. Resolving jealousy comes back to communication, discussing and understanding the reasons for the jealousy and jointly devising an action plan to over come it.

• All too often the initial romance of any relationship often clouds people’s judgement when it comes to what both partners want out of life. A simple example is children, how many women get married knowing that they don’t want children or don’t want children any time soon but don’t communicate this to their partner. It is so important to be totally upfront. Other issues sometimes develop when one partner is far more ambitious than the other or just wants different things out of life. Unless your dreams of a perfect marriage are on the same playing field then it’s often a ticket to disaster. Couples need to be totally upfront and honest with each other both before and after marriage to ensure that the dreams and desires of both parties are met and fulfilled.

• Financial issues put a great strain on any relationship. Couples often divorce due to lack of money when all they really need to do is solve the core problem. And statistics obviously show that finance is far more of an issue once you are divorced. I was watching a programme the other day and this couple had survived 15 years living with parents while they saved up for a house. Enough to put a strain on any marriage. However, what I then realised was that they had three children, one of which was probably conceived very early on, and the wife had stayed at home to look after them. This left me thinking, wouldn’t their life have been much easier and wouldn’t that house have come quite early on in the marriage if they had just delayed their plans for a family and both worked for a deposit in those first couple of years. As it happened, their marriage actually survived the 15 years but how many others would have?

• To many it sounds strange, but a lot of married couples feel lonely, especially when their partners work long hours and/or spend periods of time away from home. Sometimes a partner will head to the pub, to the gym or to a mate’s, after work, or I know of many golfers who take a week or even two of their annual holiday to go off golfing without their family. In any relation ship there has to be a balance between work, personnel time and family / couple time.

• Lack of intimacy can often make people feel worthless, unwanted and unloved. Even if sexual relations have diminished or ceased a relationship can still survive through other types of intimacy, a kiss, a cuddle or a caress. Once intimacy ceases in any form partners often feel that they are no longer desired and it is inevitable that people who need an element of intimacy will seek affection else where.

• Many people often say they think their marriage is over when they no longer feel that they are that special person in their partner’s lives. It can become a real big deal when a couple settles down into married life and the romancing comes to an end. No more flowers, romantic diners, endless conversations while you learn all about each other. Perhaps the presents have stopped or less effort is put into making each other happy or children have taken priority. Of course the answer is so much simpler than heading for the divorce courts, just start making an effort and spend more quality time as a couple, bring the good times back. After all that’s just what you’d have to do if you were to start all over and how often to people realise far too late that the grass wasn’t greener.

• The break up of long term marriages can often be as a result of the children leaving home. Couples often have children early on in the marriage from which time their lives totally revolve around the children. Once the children have grown up and left home the parents are no longer comfortable with each others company and just don’t know what to do as a couple. As the children get older it is vital that couples start spending more time together no matter how difficult it is and learn to enjoy each others company without the children.

• Letting yourself go can be a real relationship killer especially if you were really good looking when you got married. If just one partner gets too comfortable in the relationship and feels they no longer need to make an effort it can become a major negative to the future of the marriage.

This is but a short list of reasons why marriages might fail and just because something on the list will destroy one marriage it doesn’t mean to say it will destroy another. Like people, all marriages are unique, the real key to saving your marriage is, understanding what is causing you to feel that your marriage is failing, recognising what action you need to take to put it right and having the determination and the desire to do so.

For almost every possible relationship killer learning how to communicate is critical, if you truly want to save your marriage.

In the 37 years that I have been counseling couples, I have discovered that there are only a few issues that are true relationship deal-breakers. Many of the issues that tear relationships apart are not actual deal-breakers. Rather, most divorces and breakups are the result of one or both partner’s unwillingness to learn from the conflicts that exist in all primary relationships. But some conflicts and differences are actual deal-breakers.

HAVING CHILDREN

Early in my career as a psychotherapist, I worked with Mary and Cal. Mary and Cal met when Mary was 38 and Cal was 47. Cal had been married before and had two adult children, while Mary had never been married. Cal made it very clear to Mary that he did not, under any circumstances, want more children. Mary seemed to accept this, but secretly hoped to change Cal’s mind once they were married.

A year after they were married, Mary brought up the issue of having children. Cal was appalled. He felt angry, trapped and betrayed by Mary’s secret hope, as well as by her dishonesty. Mary begged and pleaded, hoping Cal’s love for her would soften his position. But he stayed committed to his decision not to have any more children.

This situation has a very sad ending. Mary was devastated. She loved Cal, but having children was actually extremely important to her. She didn’t want to leave him and she couldn’t let go of wanting a child. The stress of the situation eventually eroded her immune system and she died of ovarian cancer of few years after bringing up the baby issue.

I learned a lot from Mary and Cal’s experience. I learned that the baby issue is a deal-breaker. It is not healthy for someone who really wants a baby to give that up, and it is not healthy for someone who does not want a baby to go along with having one. This deep and basic issue needs to be dealt with head-on, early in a relationship, before people move ahead with commitment and marriage.

WORK

Rhonda and Fred fell in love in their late 30’s. Each had jobs that they loved and that were very important to them. Fred was the vice-president of a large company, while Rhonda had a flourishing practice as a pediatrician. They both lived in Los Angeles. All seemed fine until an incredible opportunity opened up for Fred – one that he had always dreamed of. The problem was that it meant moving to New York. Fred’s work became a deal-breaker.

Some people can commute and maintain a relationship, but this was not realistic for Rhonda and Fred, since they both wanted to have children. They realized that if either of them gave up the work they loved, they would feel very resentful. They had no choice but to end the relationship. Even though they loved each other, they recognized that their relationship would soon erode if one of them gave themselves up.

BETRAYAL

Dishonesty and infidelity can often be deal-breakers, depending upon the situation. Some people can learn from and grow through these difficult situations, while for others the wound is too deep to repair.

Mandy and Hal were in their 50’s when they met and fell in love. Both were in unhappy long-term marriages, which they decided to leave to be with each other.

However, Hal had married when he was very young. He had spent his life working hard to support his wife and children. He had never had an opportunity to do some of the things he really wanted to do – like travel on his own or explore relationships with other women. He loved Mandy but he felt trapped. He wanted his freedom.

As a result he started to pull away from Mandy, which was very painful for her. They received counseling to try to reconcile the situation. Mandy was willing for Hal to leave and travel for six months, but Hal was reluctant to leave Mandy. Mandy had not expected a man in his 50’s to need to sow wild oats.

Then Mandy found out that Hal had slept with another woman. His pulling away was bad enough, but his infidelity was a deal-breaker. Mandy ended their relationship the day she discovered the affair. She told Hal that she still loved him but could not continue this way. She left the door open by telling him that if he ever got his wanderlust out of his system, she would consider trying again.

Dishonesty about money can also be a deal-breaker, such as finding out that your mate is earning money by selling drugs or through some other illegal operation.

Most conflicts – conflicts that are really about communication and control issues – can be resolved when both people are willing to learn. But some conflicts are true deal-breakers.

There are many things that can get wrong or from bad to worse in a relationship… it is depressing how many couples split-up because of stupid reasons. If you have the slightest feeling that your relationship is in jeopardy or if you inquire what went wrong in ex-relationships, take a look at the list below.

There are 5 “don’ts” in a relationship.

1. Betrayal of the partner

Absolutely unforgivable-you have seen couples that break up because of this, even families. It is hard to forgive and forget, broken pieces stay broken, this is life.

2. Being a private eye

If you check on your partner continuously, visit unannounced… he/she will get tired of the relationship. Everybody wants freedom, a private space, friends… Love means trust and respect, it is not funny on scrutiny all the time, do not act as a detective, act as a lover.

3. Lack of emotional support and attention

In a relationship mutual support and attention are essential. We are humans and we crave for being with our loved one, for better and for worse… when it doesn’t happen we feel lonely and rejected. If you have such a problem, deal with it, do not avoid it. Stay close to one another.

4. Too many fights

Let’s face it, in every relationship there are fights. Believe it or not, specialists say they clarify things, but do not dramatize, or raise your voice or offend.
Things clarify themselves if you have patience.
In a relationship, when it comes to fights silence is golden and too many of them ruin what you both have built with love and care.

5. Boredom and lack of spontaneity

Do not let boredom to step in, be creative and spontaneous. Think of common hobbies, activities that make both of you happy.
If love is in the air, every day would be a celebration of your relationship.
Even a ride in the park on rollers can be fun, or going to a movie, exhibition, disco, party.

Before doing anything that can affect your relationship, meditate a bit. Is it worth doing it and ending up alone?

Did I do everything wrong? Did I only destroy? Did I always trouble you? Did I never love you? Was I that bad? Then why did you fall in love with me? Who did all that you used to appreciate? Who was so good that you loved it all the time? Who was that person? Thoughts that hammer our mind when the relationship gives only blame. One remembers that he/she also did something good for the relationship. But as the relationship deteriorates, one partner takes it upon himself/herself to blame mercilessly.

The same partner was all appreciation some months back, and the same partner has nothing good to say about the relationship. This is nothing but abuse. This is emotional abuse made to drive a sensible person lunatic. Blame them so much that they are left with no energy to retaliate. The relationship at this stage is maintained only to abuse. If the abuser breaks it totally, whom will she/he accuse and abuse? So they continue with the relationship. They are intoxicated with their sadism.

There is no reason to believe that all people are good. Some are evil. You may not guess about their true nature in the beginning, but once they open up, you will see evil in front of you. Such evil people will hit you where it hurts most- your faith in humanity. What can be done by you in such a relationship? Once you realize that your partner is evil, break-up immediately. Never ask the question- will I get appreciation also?