relationship-problems.co.uk

Is there magic to what makes some relationships last longer than others? Maybe. Do some people just sit back and sulk, while others seem to let life go by right over their heads and problems? It sure seems so. Or maybe it’s just that some people learn secrets of success from their grandparents or other relatives or friends. And since the latter is probably more accurate, here are some tried and true tips from people who have enjoyed long, happy relationships.

1. REFRESH – Take time to look back, refresh your memories and share what brought you together. Especially when times are difficult, lean back and rely on these old memories as your foundation and glue yourselves back together with them (not literally, of course!)

2. DATES – Keep dating each other. Even if life seems too busy, meet at the end of the evening for something light and easy, like viewing your favorite sitcom (record it if necessary) together or playing a game of Euchre.

3. FUN – Couple tend to have fun on dates, then get married and too serious. Lighten up. Head to Yahoo Games (off Yahoo.com main site) and join in any number of card or other games. Or head to a local rental shop and rent an Xbox or other game player and some games.

4. FORGET – No need to “always” remember the bad things that happened during an argument. Actively “forget” sometimes. Be the first to apologize and make up. Go for it!

5. SPACE – Give each other some space. Either you trust or you don’t. Get on with life, though. People need time alone and time with their mates and other friends. Be sure to give and take your fair share of space.

6. DISAGREE – Agree that it’s okay to disagree on some issues, and leave it at that. No need to create a new religion or political movement just to appease both of you. You don’t HAVE to agree on everything. And you won’t. And that’s okay.

7. MEMORIES – Make some together. Enjoy special moments, special anniversary dates and events. No need to be elaborate. For example, maybe you enjoyed watching a hot air balloon race one spring day. The next year, you might schedule time to watch it again. Make it an annual event. Collect postcards with balloons on the, playing cards, toss pillows…over time it becomes a theme.

So don’t just sit back and sulk. Take short steps to improve your relationships and let life’s problems magically pass by while you hold on to your relationship.

Improving relationships require knowing what to do and how to do it. If you follow some tried and true tips, it is possible you can also improve your relationships.

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Are you in a relationship right now? If you are, is it going smoothly or is it going through very rough times? Not all relationships are alike; there are always these good relationships and bad relationships. How you and your partner will handle the relationship will determine if it is a bad relationship or if it is a good one and going on smoothly. If you are in a bad relationship right now, perhaps you will wonder how your romantic relationship has a sudden twist. You might have asked yourself what you have done wrong or what your shortcomings were. Here are some things that you can think about why you have a bad relationship:

Lack of Communication

Communication is an important part of every relationship. Lack of communication can make a romantic relationship turn into a bad relationship because this keeps both you and your partner from having a clear understanding of what is really going on and why a certain problem is happening.

Aside from this, it also creates more conflicts since you do not know what the other exactly wants and expects from the relationship. Keeping oneself in silence when a problem in the relationship arises will not do you any good but instead it will aggravate the problem. It is not a good idea that you do not open up about what you really feel or how your partner feels. If both of you continue to be in silence, expect your bad relationship to turn into worse.

Infidelity and Dishonesty

Infidelity and dishonesty are two words that are often associated with each other. If a person is unfaithful, he or she is dishonest in so many ways.

Lots of break-ups nowadays are due to infidelity. If you find out that your partner is unfaithful to you, of course this can lead to a serious fight and more heated arguments. For sure, your initial reaction will be so outraged that you will not be able to listen to reasons anymore. Upon knowing your partner’s infidelity, you will come to realize some of the dishonest answers that he or she gave you in the past when you ask about some important things.

Your once happy and romantic relationship will now turn into a bad relationship because there is one important element which is lacking and that is trust. You begin to become more suspicious and jealous so from then your arguments will be in circles which can eventually lead to breakup.

Pride

Pride is another main reason to have a bad relationship. Conflicts and petty fights are part of every relationship so you should not be devastated if you and your partner encounter and go through these from time to time. There is nothing wrong in having arguments because you are able to voice out your views and opinions about an issue.

However, having these become more of a problem when you let your pride take over instead of humbling down and realize your mistake. Pride will never do you good if you are in a relationship. You should always know how to ask for forgiveness if you made a mistake or give way if you think that what your partner says will be beneficial to you and to the relationship.

These are just some of the things that can make a bad relationship. If you think that one or all these is the reason why you are now in a bad relationship, perhaps you should start reassessing yourself and the whole situation in order to save it.

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Most of us who have been intimately involved with someone beyond the infatuation stage know that relationships are like a rollercoaster ride. When things are good, they are very, very good. When things are bad, they are very, very bad. As a relationship coach, I have developed Top 10 Lists—one for men and one for women on 10 things to do and not to do in relationships.

MEN

DO

1. Just listen to your partner without offering advice.
2. Trust and respect her.
3. Treat her as an equal partner in your relationship.
4. Stay and support her when she gets emotional. She is looking for understanding, not solutions.
5. Continue your courtship even after she’s committed to you. Continue to create romance in your relationship.
6. Do little things on a regular basis. A woman doesn’t care if you call her at work to say, “I love you” or if you buy a new TV for the living room. The small things are worth just as much as the big ones.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with her.
8. Encourage her goals and direction.
9. Find out what your partner would like to do and then do it with her.
10. Say, “I’m sorry” when you’ve done something you regret or that was hurtful to your partner, whether intentionally or unintentionally.

DON’T

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Try to offer advice or solutions when your partner just needs you to listen to her without comment.
3. Pretend to listen to her when you really aren’t.
4. Shut your partner out when you need to sort things out in your head. Just explain you need space, you aren’t angry with your partner and that you’ll be back.
5. Criticize your partner, especially her appearance.
6. Yell at your partner as if you were her father.
7. Take every word she says literally. Women, when upset, tend to speak in absolutes, such as “You NEVER listen to me;” when what she really means is that you aren’t listening to her at that time.
8. Allow jealousy to erode the trust, love and respect of your relationship.
9. Violate her privacy.
10. Forget special occasions.

Men and women have different communication styles, different needs and desires, and different relationship challenges. Learning these differences can assist us in strengthening the relationships we have now and in the future. John Gray began this revolutionary discovery in his book, Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus. The Women’s List follows:

WOMEN

DO

1. When you want more quality time with your man, make the time you do have as positive as possible.
2. Trust and respect him.
3. Stop nagging.
4. Allow your partner time away from you without giving him the third degree.
5. Appreciate the little things he does for you and tell him so.
6. Make love creatively and often. Don’t be afraid to initiate lovemaking.
7. Honor any agreements you have made with him.
8. Support his goals and direction.
9. Ask for what you want! (Believe it or not, no matter how much he loves you, he really can’t read your mind.)
10. Accept his “No” gracefully, trusting that he would if he could.

DON’T

1. Go to bed angry with your partner.
2. Insist he always share his feelings with you. Talking about feelings is more what women need.
3. Attempt to converse with your partner during a good movie or sporting event.
4. Continue to “give” in what you perceive is a lopsided relationship when you are at a point of resentment.
5. Criticize him or put him down, especially the things he does.
6. Scold your partner as if he were a child.
7. Use sex as a prize for good behavior or the withholding of sex as punishment for “bad” behavior.
8. Compare him to a fictional character in a book, movie or soap drama and find him lacking.
9. Violate his privacy.
10. Try to change him. Appreciate the man he is right now.

There is so much to learn about satisfying relationships that your parents never showed you. Please don’t become one of the statistics of divorce or perhaps worse, stay in a miserable relationship to honor your marriage vows while having so many regrets about your life as the time ticks away.

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It can not be denied that relationships have been considered as the source of a loving relationship that is full of support, enthusiasm and pleasure, whether the relationship is in the family or to somebody you are intimately in love with. And we would like to experience such a relationship to last until death. Hence, we exert so much effort in order to nurture and to make it perfect if possible.

Whether we like it or not it can also be source of sadness and distress when it fails to address the basic elements for a good relationship. This is the reality of what they call relationship problem. To have a relationship problem does not necessarily follow that the relationship we started will automatically doom to failure. That will not be the case to happen. There is still a chance to fix it.

However, we will be required to do some extra effort to keep things intact. There are many couples who take things for granted. They do not bother their relationship problems, still with great hope that the problems will just disappear by itself. They reconcile with each other but never bother to examine what had occurred or why it happened and to find some solutions to the problem.

In view of this indifference, a majority of the couples are going through series of problems. There are some problems which are not too difficult to solve compared to others. And there is a need to really to ask for professional help from a counselor. A number of people believes that the professional guidance helps them in recovering their relationship and enabled them to discover different ways to work out their problems and resolve that it will not happen again in the future. Therefore, it is a must for every couple to deal immediately with their problems in order to be in the back in the right path and continually improve the relationship. Always seek some ways of getting back and relight the fading intimacy of love.

Relationship problems will always be part of our human existence. What do you think are the causes of such problems? Being too close to somebody can give us moral support, consolation and joy, but it could also be a source of grief, disappointment and misery. Secondly, we have ups and downs of being attracted. Sometimes, we do not feel to approach the person. We want to be alone. There are times that we are passive and not eager to see our beloved. And this can strain the relationship.

Sad to say, we have minimal control along this line of the relationship. Thirdly, we have the demands from our work and financial stability. We can not do away from their concrete pressures because are the sources of our life as a human being. They provide the basic necessities of life. Lastly, the differences in our goals to achieve and our expectations from each other so as to sustain the relationship. I suppose these are the areas of concern that we should immediately address in order to make some changes for satisfaction of the relationship. It will eventually lead us to grow together.

What are the most common problems of a relationship? We have the following problems namely, the communication is very poor, poor skill in solving problems, lack of support from one’s companion, and no quality time for each other.

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Differences of opinions will always be part of relationships. While many people break up because differences many conflicts can be resolved. It boils down to both people honestly wanting to resolve the conflict and not just get their own way.

Here is a 10 Step process I use that has proven to work for many couples. It resolves conflicts by recognizing that successful relationships run through a series of compromises by both individuals.

1. Let go of the idea of “getting your way.” There is no such thing in a successful relationship.

2. All relationships have conflict. Relax and stop being embarrassed by the problem.

3. Acknowledge the conflict. Recognize that there is a conflict and that resolving it together will make your relationship better.

4. Listen carefully. Each of you has something to say and an opinion. By listening you acknowledge the other’s worth in the relationship.

5. Set a time when you will get back together to try to resolve the problem. Prioritize the meeting as important and make sure you show up for it.

6. Examine your role in the problem. Define it so you understand what you think the problem is. Which of your behaviors adds to the problem? Accept responsibility for your role in producing or keeping the problem going.

7. Identify behaviors that each of you can change. Think of as many different solutions as you can. The more possible solutions and behavior changes you can think of, the greater the chance of finding those that will solve the problem.

8. Be ready to negotiate solutions. Keep the discussion open and going until you both agree on which solution to try. This solution should include behavior changes that each of you should make and a potential timetable for making them. Set a date to discuss how well this solution is working.

9. Implement your new behaviors.

10. Meet again to discuss what has worked and what hasn’t. For those things that haven’t worked, go back to your list of possible solutions and pick a new one to try. Resolve to keep meeting and trying new behaviors until the problem is solved.

Use this technique for resolving any relationship problem you have. It will work as long as each party is willing to accept responsibility for their own part and are willing to try new behaviors until the successful changes are found.

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Anyone who’s been in a long term relationship will tell you there are rough periods, and most people, when they’re honest, will admit to doubts along the way. But sometimes we don’t know how to assess, “Just how bad is it?” Here’s a list of symptoms that suggest a relationship is in trouble. The more symptoms you think are true for you and/or your partner, the more likely your relationship is in need of some help. If you have three to five checked off, you probably need a tune-up. More than five, it’s time to consider more serious therapy, either alone or with your partner, or in some cases, both.

Below this list is another one, “Signs of Severe Relationship Problems.”

You feel worse around your partner than you do when you’re on your own.

Your self-esteem has plummeted since you’ve been together.

Either you or your partner, or both of you, are dishonest with each other.

You often feel hurt by how you are treated by your partner, instead of feeling good while being together.

You complain frequently about your relationship to others.

One or both of you have become frequently critical of each other.

You are unable to approach your partner with your concerns in a reasonable way, without exploding in anger or using passive aggressive (sarcastic, outwardly compliant but inwardly defiant) behavior. Or you expect that any confrontation will only result in an unproductive fight with no change in the situation. You feel you must walk on eggshells most of the time.

Most if not all of the issues that come up between you remain unresolved, even when you do try to sort them out together. Therefore, one or both of you often take a “why bother?” attitude about dealing with issues. This is different from “choosing your battles,” because even important issues remain unresolved and “go underground.”

You lose your enthusiasm about life, and have given up most of your hobbies, friends, or interests that were important to you before getting into the relationship. Instead you are consumed about the difficulties you are having in your relationship.

You no longer trust your mate. This one is tricky, because some of us have trust issues, and find it hard to trust anyone. You may need help in exploring this with people who know you (and possibly your partner) well. Of course, sometimes the doubts turn out to be warranted.

Little things about your relationship bother you and you can’t let them go.

You find yourself more drawn to priorities outside the relationship than spending time together.

Your sex life has dwindled down to very infrequent or none at all, and at least one of you is unhappy about it.

One or both partners have become closer to someone else than with each other. This can be an emotional affair, or it can even be a friend, sibling, parent, or even one of the children. Obviously the most destructive of these is if there is an actual affair. Online relationships are just as destructive as if they were in person.

You find yourself reverting to behaviors that take you away from your partner that are not likely to support a healthy lifestyle: drinking too much, spending too much time zoning out with electronics – computer, video games, TV; escaping into your work; finding more satisfaction in singular sex (pornography, escapist fantasies, etc.) than with your partner.

Did you answer Yes to three or more symptoms?

——————————————————————————–

Signs of Severe Relationship Problems

If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, it is time to address them as soon as possible. It is usually very difficult to address these problems on your own, and getting help, or in certain cases getting out, if anyone is being abused by the relationship, including the children, is advisable.

You are afraid of your partner, because you’ve learned to expect an angry response that comes with name-calling, crude or abusive insults, or fits of rage.

You no longer speak to each other beyond the very basic necessities of shared living space.

One or both of you use indirect, passive-aggressive means to “get to” the other, and you often have the feeling that you’ve been punched in the stomach but don’t know why.

You or your partner spend nights away from the home without calling to let the partner know where they are or when they’ll be home. A lesser version of this, but still damaging to the relationship, occurs when one or both partners frequently stay out partying with others without their partner until very late.

Any incidence of domestic violence, including throwing objects, shoving, hitting, kicking, biting, or physical aggression against the other person. “Lesser” versions of this, but still very destructive, occur with violence against pets, or threats of violence against any living being. Still of concern is when one or both partners throw objects at walls, break things in the house, or otherwise destroy property.

Any incidence of threatening the other partner, suggesting they’ll hurt you (or you’ll hurt them) directly or by hurting themselves. (Some threats of suicide are thinly veiled attempts to make their partner feel so guilty that they become afraid of saying or doing anything that might upset their partner, such as leave the relationship.)

One or both partners use and abuse recreational drugs, including alcohol, on a regular basis, to the extent that it disrupts the relationship. This is the individuals issue and may not be an indication that the relationship is in trouble – the person is in trouble, and their drinking/using will very negatively affect the relationship.

One or both partners are using their children to hurt their partner, or using them to send messages back and forth to their partner.

When a couple has this much distress in their lives, people might wonder why do they stay together? But there are many ways a couple feels locked in, primarily because of children and finances. Sometimes there is a real threat that if one partner makes any move to leave, the other partner will actually try to harm them in some way. These are highly abusive situations which are beyond the need of therapy, and a partner may need to use local resources of a safe house from domestic violence.

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If the cliche familiarity breeds contempt is starting to take shape in your relationship then you might want to try a quick and easy relationship fixer. Get you and you significant other to go to a romantic getaway that will surely get you in the mood for some much needed quality time. Here are some great romantic getaway hotspots that you and your honey can hightail to even for just the weekend.

1. Jersey Shore, New Jersey

New Jersey, highly known for its Beachy Glitz, is the place to go for couples who love to go clubbing all night long while spending their days in luxurious long sanded beaches. Down and out couples will get a chance to enjoy and relax themselves and hopefully even bond with the various great beaches and fast-paced casino action. A recent addition to the many wonderful attractions in Jersey Shore is the Vegas-worthy Borgata Hotel Casino and Spa whose presence has surely livened up the whole Jersey Shore area. A quick insider tip from Jersey Shore is that bands from the ’80s have always been headlining the shows at Atlantic City, try checking out Ticket master on what’s available during your visit there.

2. Lake Tahoe, California

For nature tripping couples, a great weekend getaway will be in Lake Tahoe in California wherein you will surely get to experience nature’s best. From the most pristine lake that you will ever see in your whole life to the most picturesque mountains, nature loving couples will surely get a kick out of this whole romantic getaway. Also, when you start looking for other Lake Tahoe attractions, you can start going around this adorable little town or enjoy a bit of gambling at their fantastic casinos. The hippest resort in Lake Tahoe is the Mammoth Mountain especially in the fall wherein you will surely feel like having the place all to yourselves since the skiers who frequent Lake Tahoe would not be arriving ’til winter.

3. Monetelago Village, Nevada

Considered to be too cool for Las Vegas, Monetelago Village in Nevada is actually only 17 miles from the world famous Strip. But unlike Vegas, the atmosphere here in Montelago Village is a lot more laid-back and completely the opposite of the fast-paced scene that you will find in Las Vegas. This romantic getaway hotspot is filled with relaxation that will surely get you in the mood for some loving. From various spas, to boutique shopping, even cobblestone streets as well as jazz on the lake performances and romantic yacht rides, there a lot of romance filled activities that you and your honey can enjoy in this romantic getaway. If you opt to take this romantic getaway, you can either stay in a condo or in a casita (a little villa) that is actually a whole lot more affordable than renting out a condo. Great food, views as well as wine flights await you and your significant other at the Sunset and Vines restaurant

4. Central, Pennsylvania

Here, you can find a place great for some rural romance for your romantic getaway wherein you can head off to Hershey, Pennsylvania wherein you can book a room for your romantic getaway at the historic Hotel Hershey. You and your loved one can enjoy various chocolate-themed body treatments at the newly renovated spa at the Hotel Hershey as well as cocoa-infused entrees at the Hotel Hershey’s restaurant. You can also relive you childhood at this romantic getaway by taking fun rides at the Hershey park. An insider trip for those who are thinking of going on a romantic getaway at Central, Pennsylvania, you can take a highly interesting trip to Dutch Country that is home of Pennsylvania’s Amish community and is only a 30-minute drive away from Hotel Hershey.

5. Saugatuck, Michigan

For a coastal cool romantic getaway, head off to Saugatuck, Michigan wherein you can find nestled on the shores of Lake Michigan as well as the Kalamazoo River this great romantic getaway resort town. This is exactly the perfect place wherein the two of you can just mellow down for a couple of days to enjoy the vintage char of this charming little resort town. From an unusual collection of galleries to various restaurants and shops as well as the top-rated beaches in the United States there is really a lot of things that you can do in Saugatuck during your romantic getaway here. Also, Saugatuck, Michigan is considered as the Bed and Breakfast Capital of the Midwest so expect some good old homey hospitality from the locals. A good time to stop by Saugatuck is during the month of October wherein you and your loved one can have a few brewskis during Octoberfest.

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So many times relationships start out wonderfully, the person is joyous and feels as if they’ve found, “the one”. Then as time passes, they begin to wonder where has the love gone? Many feel lost when this happens. They do not know what went wrong, or what steps need to be taken to make things right again.

It seems to many that love is a mystery. When one relationship ends, they fear they may never find someone new, or be able to love again. Or, even when things are going well,  unexpected obstacles can arise that seem to difficult to overcome. Tremendous amounts of time and emotion are spent trying to figure out what is going on. 

But stop a moment and think about it. You would never try to build a building without first getting an architect’s plan. Without a strong foundation, any passing storm would easily knock the building down. The same is true of relationships. Although we learn many things during years of schooling, most never have the opportunity to learn the basic laws of loving relationships, what is required to make them work.

So many jump into relationships wanting to fly to the heights without having any understanding at all of how to build a solid foundation that will allow their relationship to stand strong.  However, just as an architect knows and respects the laws of gravity, we too must know and work with the basic laws of love. These laws operate unfailingly. They are the cornerstone of all relationships and guidelines for the human heart. Once we learn and apply the basic laws of love, it is truly impossible to fail at love. No matter what happens.

Unfortunately, rather than learn these simple laws, most have absorbed many myths and fantasies. They then suffer greatly when their dreams do not come to pass and either blame themselves and others. However, it is extremely important to realize that the only thing that causes hurt, loss, or distress in relationships are the fantasies we hold onto. Once we replace these fantasies with the simple laws of love, a whole new world opens. Confusion is cleared up and we naturally see the right steps to take.

To begin with, let us absorb this law #1. It is impossible to fail at love.

No one is a failure in love. Our mistakes, losses, confusion and mishaps do not arise because of love. They arise simply out of our ignorance of who we are and what love truly is.

In order to recognize real love, we must move onwards to law #2. There is a difference between real and counterfeit love.

Counterfeit love is based upon the idea that love is an emotion, a wonderful feeling, not a way of life. In counterfeit love, when we have strong feelings towards someone, we immediately assume that we are in love. But all feelings naturally change, that is their nature. Many feel that love is leaving when this happens. They do not realize that it is the nature of feelings to change, and that this is also the nature of counterfeit love.

Counterfeit love is confusion between excitement, dependence, attachment and love. Real love does not fluctuate. We do not reject the other person if they do not meet our needs.  Real love grows through action. It is love is a verb, upon deeds of kindness, value and respect.  It knows that the foundation of lasting relationships is built something deeper than feelings that come and go.

Love brings fulfillment, healing, kindness, warmth and inspiration. Let us separate truth from error here. If this is not what’s going on in your relationship, it is not an expression of love. But it is easy to save your relationship. Let us learn how to build relationships that are based on a strong foundation. Once you learn and practice the laws of love you will not only save your relationship, but become all you were meant to be.

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Watch a cloud in the sky. It seems stationary. Slowly it moves and after sometime, without our realizing, that cloud is gone. Sometimes love disappears from a relationship like that cloud.

When the relationship begins, everything looks ok. The communication is great. Not only verbal but also non-verbal communication between the partners is excellent. Slowly the rot sets in and there come a time when they stop communicating except when needed. The communication becomes need based. Earlier it was love based. What is the difference between need based and love based communication?

Relationship and communication - In love based communication the partners talk to each other about everything on the earth. They speak about their love; their needs, their dreams, their aspirations and everything else that makes them feel connected. In need based communication, the partners talk to each other minimally. What is required to keep the partnership together is the communication limit and nothing beyond that. It may revolve around bill payments, and other such talks. But this kind of communication gives no joy. It is the communication of dead relationship.

Reviving communication in relationship - To revive the communication the obvious answer is to talk again. Go back to earlier days and recollect what all you were talking. Begin talking like that again. As the gap between the partners has widened, this kind of communication becomes difficult in the beginning, but slowly it will break all the barriers.

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In the last few decades, partners have spent countless hours trying to “work out problems.” Yet over and over again they often come up against a major roadblock: they just don’t see things the same way. No matter how long they talk and how hard they try, neither ends up feeling really heard and understood.

While there are some couples that just naturally see things the same way, most people have a really hard time seeing things through the other person’s eyes. What often happens when they “communicate” is that each person tries to get the other person to see things his or her way. Instead of solving the problem, each is trying to have control over how the other person sees things. This often leads to more conflict and frustration.

While I am not suggesting that couples stop communicating over problems and issues, I am offering an additional way of resolving conflict: taking loving action in your own behalf.

This form of conflict resolution is about action rather than talk. Following are some of the actions you can take that may make a world of difference in your relationship.

LOVING ACTIONS

1. Choose to be compassionate toward yourself and your partner rather than choosing to judge yourself or your partner.

Judging yourself and your partner will always lead to more conflict. Choosing to compassionately care about yourself and your partner can totally change the energy between you, even without words. If you believe that you or your partner are bad or wrong for your feelings, behavior, or point of view, then you will not be able to let go of judgment. You will move toward compassion when you understand and accept that each of you has very good reasons for your feelings, behavior, and point of view. Try compassionately accepting yourself and your partner and see what happens!

2. Choose to practice self-discipline in terms of saying nothing rather than behaving in an inflammatory way toward your partner.

Practice zipping up your mouth! Practice letting go of having to be right! Practice walking away from a conflicted or heated situation, rather than jumping into the fray in the hopes of winning. If you look back, you will see that no one wins when both people are trying to control with anger, blame, explanations, debating, defending, lectures, or compliance. However, if you choose to walk away, walk away with love and compassion – intent on taking loving care of yourself rather than punishing your partner. Walking away in anger is just another way to control.

3. Choose to accept that you have no control over your partner’s feelings and behavior, but that you have total control over your own actions.

It is much easier to let go of trying to control your partner when you move into acceptance regarding who your partner is. Trying to change your partner is a total waste of energy. Changing yourself moves you into personal power.

4. Choose to take loving care of yourself in the face of the other person’s choices.

You will find yourself wanting to talk about problems when you see yourself as a victim of your partner’s choices. However, when you accept your partner for who he or she is and accept your lack of control over your partner, you can then see your way clear toward taking loving action in your own behalf. Asking the question, “What is the loving action toward myself right now?” will lead to ideas of how to take loving care of your self. Asking, “If I were an enlightened being, how would I be acting right now?” will open the door to creative ways of taking loving care of yourself.

Loving actions are actions that support your own highest good without harming your partner. For example, if you are tired of often being frustrated and rushed because your partner is generally late leaving for an event, you might decide to take your own car each time your partner is not ready on time. While your partner might not like your choice, your action is not harmful to him or her. It is an action that stops the power struggle and takes care of your self.

Letting go of trying to change your partner and taking loving action for your self are the keys to conflict resolution without words.

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